Have you ever met someone who is thoughtful? Or maybe you are a thoughtful person yourself. As a person who is thoughtful I recognize it in others and / or the lack thereof. To be thoughtful you must be paying attention on purpose and act with kindness while deeply considering the other person. 

Think about it! Even if you are being thoughtful of a complete stranger you are paying attention and being kind on purpose. I might let someone else have the better parking spot because I am paying attention and noticed them circling the lot when I arrived and even though I got to the better spot first because I noticed and because I am acting in kindness I give them the spot. Some would say that's crazy. I would not give up the spot, regardless of it I noticed they'd been looking for one longer. I found it first, it's mine. 

I think this can be a normal response , however being thoughtful typically makes us feel good and hopefully brings a little positivity into another humans life. But like most things in life, if we are thoughtful and out of balance we forget to be thoughtful to ourselves or at the expense of ourselfs. Therefore we need skills and techniques to ensure we are being balanced. Here's a few to get you started. 

1. Self-Reflection: Take time to assess your feelings, needs, and priorities. Understanding your own emotions can help you be more empathetic towards yourself.
2. Set Boundaries: Learn to say no when necessary. Establishing personal boundaries ensures you're not overextending yourself while still being available for others.
3. Prioritize Self-Care: Make self-care a priority in your daily routine. This can include physical, mental, and emotional activities that rejuvenate you.
4. Practice Active Listening: When interacting with others, give them your full attention. This demonstrates care without sacrificing your own mental space.
5. Communicate Openly: Share your needs with friends and family. Honesty about your capacity to help fosters understanding and mutual respect.
6. Evaluate Relationships: Assess the dynamics of your relationships. Make sure they are reciprocal and beneficial for both parties involved when applicable.
7. Schedule Time for Yourself: Allocate specific times for your interests or relaxation. This ensures you maintain a healthy balance between social obligations and personal time.
8. Engage in Mutual Support: Choose to engage in relationships where thoughtfulness is reciprocal. Support each other’s needs and successes for a balanced give-and-take dynamic.
9. Practice Gratitude: Acknowledge both your needs and those of others. Expressing gratitude can enhance relationships and remind you of the positive aspects of giving and receiving care.
10. Reflect and Adjust: Regularly reflect on your balance between caring for others and yourself. Adjust your approach as needed to maintain harmony and well-being.

By following these steps, you can nurture both your relationships and yourself simultaneously, creating a fulfilling and balanced life where you can be thoughtful to others and towards yourself. 
Loretta Gilmore MSW, LCSW

Insight, often described as the ability to see and understand the true nature of things, is a fundamental aspect of human cognition and personal development. It goes beyond surface-level knowledge, allowing us to gain deeper understanding and wisdom about ourselves, others, and the world around us. In this blog post, we will explore the profound impact of building insight in various aspects of our lives and how it can lead to significant personal growth.
1. Self-Awareness: The Foundation of Personal Growth
Self-awareness is the cornerstone of personal development, and insight is the key to unlocking it. Building insight into our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors enables us to identify our strengths, weaknesses, and patterns of behavior. This self-awareness empowers us to make conscious choices, set meaningful goals, and work towards becoming the best version of ourselves.
2. Improved Decision-Making
Insightful individuals are better equipped to make informed decisions. They can analyze situations from multiple angles, anticipate consequences, and consider long-term implications. This ability to see beyond the immediate allows for better decision-making in both personal and professional contexts.
3. Enhanced Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence, which includes understanding and managing our own emotions and those of others, is closely tied to insight. Building insight into our emotional responses and the emotions of others enables us to navigate social interactions with greater empathy and effectiveness. It fosters better relationships, teamwork, and communication.
4. Resilience in the Face of Challenges
Insight enables us to reframe challenges as opportunities for growth. When we understand the underlying causes of difficulties or setbacks, we can develop strategies to overcome them. This perspective shift enhances our resilience and enables us to bounce back stronger from life's inevitable trials.
5. Deepened Empathy and Compassion
Insight extends our capacity for empathy and compassion. When we gain insight into the experiences, motivations, and perspectives of others, we become more understanding and less judgmental. This not only strengthens our relationships but also contributes to a more compassionate and harmonious society.
6. Fostering Creativity and Innovation
Insight can be a wellspring of creativity and innovation. It allows us to connect seemingly unrelated concepts, identify novel solutions, and challenge conventional thinking. Creative breakthroughs often arise from a deep understanding of a subject or problem.
7. Enhanced Problem-Solving Skills
Insightful problem solvers excel at dissecting complex issues and identifying root causes. They can devise effective solutions that address underlying problems, rather than merely treating symptoms. This approach leads to more sustainable and long-lasting resolutions.

8. Personal Fulfillment and Meaning
Building insight often leads to a greater sense of purpose and fulfillment. As we gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and our values, we can align our actions with our core beliefs. This alignment enhances our overall satisfaction and sense of meaning in life.
9. Lifelong Learning and Growth
Insight is an ongoing process that encourages lifelong learning and personal growth. It motivates us to continually seek new experiences, acquire knowledge, and refine our understanding of the world. This commitment to growth ensures that we continue to evolve and adapt to changing circumstances.

The impact of building insight cannot be overstated. It is a powerful catalyst for personal growth, self-awareness, and positive change in all aspects of life. As we cultivate insight into ourselves and the world around us, we open doors to deeper understanding, improved decision-making, enhanced relationships, and a more meaningful existence. Embrace the journey of building insight, for it is a transformative path to a richer and more fulfilling life.

In a world that often encourages quick judgments and snap decisions, the art of observation and suspension of judgment is a powerful tool for personal growth and mental well-being. These practices allow us to see the world with greater clarity, enhance our self-awareness, and foster empathy toward others. In this blog post, we will explore the importance of observation and the suspension of judgment in the context of personal development and mental health.
Observation: The Gateway to Self-Awareness
Observation is the act of mindfully and attentively perceiving the world around us, including our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. By observing ourselves without immediate judgment, we gain valuable insights into our inner world. Here's why this practice is crucial for personal growth and mental health:

1. Emotional Regulation: Observing our emotions without judgment allows us to acknowledge and accept them. This acknowledgment is the first step toward regulating our emotions effectively, reducing anxiety, and managing stress.
2. Self-Discovery: The process of observation can reveal patterns in our thoughts and behaviors that we might not have been aware of before. This self-discovery is essential for understanding our motivations, fears, and desires.
3. Improved Decision-Making: A mindful approach to observation can help us make more informed decisions. By observing our thought processes and emotions, we can identify biases and irrational thinking, leading to better choices.
4. Stress Reduction: When we observe our surroundings and our internal states without judgment, we reduce the mental clutter that often leads to stress. This practice promotes a sense of calm and clarity.
5. Enhanced Self-Reflection: Observation fosters self-reflection, which is a critical component of personal growth. We can ask ourselves important questions and contemplate our experiences more deeply.

Suspension of Judgment: Cultivating Empathy and Understanding
The suspension of judgment means refraining from forming immediate opinions or evaluations about people, situations, or ourselves. Instead, it encourages an open-minded and empathetic approach to understanding the complexity of the human experience. Here's why this practice is vital for personal growth and mental health:

1. Empathy: Suspending judgment allows us to put ourselves in others' shoes and see the world from their perspective. This empathy strengthens our interpersonal relationships and promotes a sense of connection and compassion.
2. Conflict Resolution: In situations of conflict or disagreement, suspending judgment can facilitate more productive and peaceful conversations. It allows us to listen actively, consider different viewpoints, and find common ground.
3. Reduced Stress: Passing quick judgments often leads to unnecessary stress. By suspending judgment, we avoid jumping to conclusions that may be incorrect or unhelpful, reducing mental strain.
4. Enhanced Self-Awareness: Suspending judgment toward ourselves allows for a more realistic and compassionate self-assessment. This promotes self-acceptance and a healthier self-esteem.
5. Positive Mindset: A non-judgmental mindset encourages a more positive and open outlook on life. It helps us see opportunities for growth and learning even in challenging situations.

Observation and the suspension of judgment go hand in hand. By observing our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors without immediate judgment, we can gain a clearer understanding of ourselves. This self-awareness, in turn, enables us to approach others and the world with greater empathy and openness.
In personal growth and mental health, these practices create a powerful feedback loop: as we observe and understand ourselves better, we become more empathetic toward others, and as we practice empathy, we develop a deeper understanding of ourselves.

In a world that often rushes to judgment and encourages hasty decisions, the practices of observation and suspension of judgment offer a refreshing alternative. These skills enhance self-awareness, improve relationships, reduce stress, and promote personal growth. By cultivating a mindful approach to the way we perceive ourselves and others, we can unlock a path to greater mental well-being and a richer, more fulfilling life.

Loretta Gilmore MSW, LCSW, CCTP

In the complex web of human relationships and responsibilities, setting and maintaining boundaries is an essential aspect of safeguarding our mental health and well-being. Boundaries are the limits we establish to define our personal space, protect our emotional health, and maintain a sense of autonomy. In this blog post, we will delve into the profound importance of boundaries in the context of mental health and why learning to establish and respect them is crucial for our overall well-being.
1. Preservation of Emotional Energy
Setting boundaries is like building a protective shield around your emotional well-being. Without clear boundaries, you might find yourself constantly absorbing other people's emotions, problems, and stress, leading to emotional exhaustion and burnout. Establishing emotional boundaries allows you to conserve your energy and emotional reserves.
2. Prevention of Burnout
In today's fast-paced world, it's easy to become overwhelmed with commitments, whether in personal or professional life. Failing to set limits can lead to burnout, as you stretch yourself too thin and neglect your own needs. Boundaries ensure you allocate time for self-care, rest, and recuperation, reducing the risk of burnout.
3. Protection Against Toxic Relationships
Toxic relationships can be detrimental to mental health. Boundaries serve as a defense mechanism against people who may exploit or manipulate you. They allow you to identify unhealthy dynamics and distance yourself from individuals who drain your emotional resources or undermine your well-being.
4. Enhanced Self-Esteem and Self-Respect
Respecting your own boundaries sends a powerful message to yourself and others about your self-worth. When you establish and uphold boundaries, you communicate that your well-being matters and that you deserve respect and consideration. This boosts self-esteem and self-respect, contributing to improved mental health.
5. Stress Reduction
Constantly saying yes to every request or demand can lead to chronic stress. Boundaries enable you to say no when necessary without guilt or fear of judgment. This stress reduction is invaluable for your mental health, as it helps maintain a more balanced and harmonious life.
6. Improved Communication
Establishing boundaries involves effective communication about your needs and limits. Learning to express yourself clearly and assertively can lead to healthier relationships, reduce misunderstandings, and alleviate tension. Good communication skills are vital for mental health and social well-being.
7. Personal Growth and Autonomy
Healthy boundaries foster personal growth and autonomy. They allow you to make choices that align with your values and goals, rather than succumbing to external pressures or expectations. This sense of agency and self-determination is empowering and beneficial for mental health.
8. Better Work-Life Balance
Balancing work and personal life can be challenging, especially in a world where technology blurs the boundaries between the two. Establishing clear boundaries between your professional and personal life helps you maintain a healthier work-life balance, reducing stress and preventing burnout.
9. Reduced Anxiety and Depression
Chronic stress, lack of self-care, and toxic relationships can contribute to anxiety and depression. By setting and enforcing boundaries, you create a protective buffer against these mental health challenges, promoting a more stable and positive emotional state.

In the pursuit of good mental health, boundaries are not merely a luxury but a necessity. They serve as the scaffolding that supports emotional well-being, personal growth, and meaningful relationships. Learning to set and respect boundaries is an ongoing process that empowers individuals to prioritize self-care, protect their mental health, and lead more fulfilling lives. Remember that establishing boundaries is an act of self-compassion and self-respect, and it is a vital step towards mental and emotional well-being.

Loretta Gilmore MSW, LCSW, CCTP

Attachment styles play a crucial role in how individuals form and maintain relationships throughout their lives. These styles are deeply rooted in childhood experiences and can have a profound impact on adult relationships, from friendships to romantic partnerships. In this blog post, we will delve into the four primary attachment styles and explore how to spot them in others, helping you navigate and nurture healthier connections.

Attachment Styles Overview
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and later expanded upon by Mary Ainsworth, suggests that our early experiences with caregivers shape our attachment styles. These styles can be categorized into four main types:

1. Secure Attachment: People with secure attachment styles tend to have positive self-esteem and trust in others. They are comfortable with both intimacy and independence, express their needs openly, and can empathize with others' emotions.
   
2. Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: Individuals with this style often seek a high level of closeness and validation from their partners. They may worry about rejection, become overly dependent, and have a heightened fear of abandonment.
   
3. Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment: People with dismissive-avoidant attachment styles are often self-reliant and prioritize independence. They may have difficulty expressing emotions or getting close to others and might downplay the importance of emotional connection.
   
4. Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment: This style combines elements of anxious-preoccupied and dismissive-avoidant attachment. Individuals with this style may have a fear of intimacy and struggle with conflicting desires for closeness and independence. They may exhibit erratic behavior in relationships.
   

Spotting Attachment Styles in Others

1. Observing Communication Patterns:
   
   • Secure Attachment: They are open, honest, and comfortable discussing emotions. They are good listeners and can express their feelings and needs without fear.
   • Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: They may exhibit frequent need for reassurance and validation, often worrying about their partner's feelings or intentions.
   • Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment: They may avoid deep emotional conversations, frequently downplay the significance of relationships, or use humor to deflect emotional discussions.
   • Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment: They may display erratic communication patterns, oscillating between seeking closeness and pushing others away.
2. Response to Conflict:
   
   • Secure Attachment: They approach conflicts with a willingness to resolve them constructively, without fear of emotional abandonment.
   • Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: Conflict may evoke intense emotions, fear of rejection, or efforts to avoid disagreements at any cost.
   • Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment: They may withdraw emotionally during conflicts, emphasizing their independence and minimizing the issue's significance.
   • Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment: Conflict might lead to unpredictable reactions, including moments of extreme vulnerability followed by emotional distancing.
3. Handling Intimacy:
   
   • Secure Attachment: They can comfortably balance independence and intimacy, fostering healthy, fulfilling relationships.
   • Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: They may rush into relationships or become overly dependent on their partners, fearing being alone.
   • Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment: They may struggle with emotional intimacy, often distancing themselves when relationships become too close.
   • Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment: They may experience inner turmoil in close relationships, leading to a push-pull dynamic.
4. Reaction to Rejection or Abandonment:
   
   
   • Secure Attachment: They can cope with rejection and maintain self-worth, understanding that it does not define their entire being.
   • Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: Rejection can trigger intense anxiety, self-doubt, and emotional turmoil.
   • Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment: They may dismiss the significance of rejection, focusing on independence rather than emotional pain.
   • Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment: Rejection can lead to emotional chaos, causing them to oscillate between seeking and rejecting closeness.

Understanding attachment styles is a valuable tool for improving relationships and communication. By spotting these patterns in others, you can approach interactions with greater empathy and adapt your communication style accordingly. Remember that attachment styles are not fixed, and individuals can develop more secure attachment patterns through self-awareness and personal growth.

Loretta Gilmore MSW, LCSW, CCTP

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is a crucial aspect of human interaction and personal growth. It encompasses the ability to understand, manage, and effectively navigate emotions—both yours and those of others. Recognizing emotional intelligence in yourself and others can have a profound impact on relationships, work, and overall well-being. In this blog post, we will explore how to spot emotional intelligence in individuals, helping you to foster more meaningful connections and create a more harmonious environment in various aspects of your life.

1. Active Listening
   

One of the hallmarks of emotional intelligence is active listening. People with high EQ genuinely pay attention to what others are saying. They make eye contact, nod in agreement, and provide thoughtful responses. They are not just waiting for their turn to speak but are actively engaged in the conversation, demonstrating empathy and respect for the speaker's perspective.
Empathy
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. Individuals with high emotional intelligence often display empathy effortlessly. They can recognize and validate others' emotions, which helps build stronger, more genuine connections. They are sensitive to the needs and feelings of those around them, offering support and understanding when necessary.
Self-Awareness
People with emotional intelligence possess a high degree of self-awareness. They have a deep understanding of their own emotions, strengths, weaknesses, and triggers. They can identify and manage their emotions effectively, which allows them to remain calm under pressure and make thoughtful decisions.
Emotion Regulation
Individuals with emotional intelligence excel in regulating their own emotions. They don't let their feelings run unchecked or impulsively react to situations. Instead, they can manage and control their emotional responses, which often leads to more constructive outcomes in conflicts or stressful situations.
Social Skills
Strong social skills are another indicator of emotional intelligence. People with high EQ can build and maintain positive relationships with others. They are skilled at communication, conflict resolution, and collaboration. They can adapt their communication style to suit different situations and personalities.
Conflict Resolution
Emotionally intelligent individuals are adept at resolving conflicts in a constructive manner. They approach disagreements with empathy and seek solutions that benefit all parties involved. They are open to feedback and are not defensive when faced with criticism.
Optimism and Resilience
High EQ individuals tend to be more optimistic and resilient in the face of challenges. They view setbacks as opportunities for growth and are less likely to dwell on negative emotions. This optimism can be contagious and inspire those around them.
Nonverbal Communication
Emotional intelligence is not limited to words alone. Pay attention to nonverbal cues such as body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. People with high EQ are often skilled at reading these signals in themselves and others.
Adaptability
Emotionally intelligent individuals are adaptable and open to change. They can pivot in response to shifting circumstances and are not resistant to new ideas or approaches. This adaptability often leads to more successful personal and professional lives.

Spotting emotional intelligence in yourself and others is a valuable skill that can improve relationships, communication, and overall well-being. Keep in mind that emotional intelligence is not a static trait; it can be developed and refined over time with self-awareness and practice. By fostering these qualities in yourself and recognizing them in others, you can create a more emotionally intelligent and harmonious environment in all aspects of your life.

Time management can be a challenge for everyone, but for individuals with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), it can be particularly daunting. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects one's ability to focus, organize, and manage tasks efficiently. However, with the right strategies and support, individuals with ADHD can learn to harness their unique strengths and overcome time management obstacles. In this blog post, we'll explore the connection between ADHD and time management and provide practical tips to help those with ADHD better manage their time.
Understanding ADHD and Time Management
ADHD is characterized by a range of symptoms, including impulsivity, hyperactivity, and inattention. These symptoms can make it challenging for individuals with ADHD to plan, prioritize, and stick to schedules. Time management difficulties often manifest in several ways:

1. Procrastination: Individuals with ADHD may struggle to start tasks or delay important activities until the last minute, leading to increased stress and suboptimal results.
2. Poor Organization: Difficulty in organizing thoughts and materials can make it challenging to plan and execute tasks effectively.
3. Time Blindness: People with ADHD often struggle with gauging the passage of time accurately, leading to underestimating how long tasks will take and missing deadlines.
4. Impulsivity: Impulsive behaviors can disrupt planned activities and sidetrack individuals from their intended goals.

Now that we understand the challenges, let's explore strategies to improve time management for individuals with ADHD.
Practical Time Management Tips for ADHD

1. Create a Visual Schedule: Use tools like calendars, planners, or digital apps to create a visual schedule. Color-coding, alarms, and reminders can help you stay on track.
2. Break Tasks Into Smaller Steps: Divide larger tasks into smaller, more manageable steps. This makes it easier to get started and maintain focus throughout the process.
3. Prioritize and Set Goals: Identify your most important tasks and set clear goals. Prioritization can help you allocate your time and energy more effectively.
4. Set Realistic Timeframes: Overestimating how much you can accomplish in a given time frame is common with ADHD. Be realistic about how long tasks will take and build in extra time for unforeseen challenges.
5. Use Time Management Techniques: Techniques like the Pomodoro method (working in short, focused bursts) or the Two-Minute Rule (if it takes less than two minutes, do it now) can be effective in managing time.
6. Minimize Distractions: Create a clutter-free workspace and reduce distractions. Turn off notifications on your devices and establish dedicated work or study areas.
7. Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness exercises and meditation can help improve focus and self-regulation, making it easier to manage time.
8. Seek Support and Accountability: Consider working with a coach, therapist, or support group specializing in ADHD. They can provide guidance, encouragement, and accountability.
9. Celebrate Achievements: Acknowledge your accomplishments, no matter how small. Positive reinforcement can boost motivation and help you stay on track.
10. Medication and Therapy: Consult with a healthcare professional about medication and therapy options. These treatments can be highly effective in managing ADHD symptoms, including time management challenges.

While managing time with ADHD can be challenging, it's important to remember that it's not an insurmountable obstacle. With patience, practice, and the right strategies, individuals with ADHD can improve their time management skills and achieve their goals. Don't be too hard on yourself; progress may be gradual, but each step forward is a victory. Embrace your unique strengths, and remember that you have the potential to excel in managing your time and living a fulfilling life.

Loretta Gilmore MSW, LCSW, CCTP

Maladaptive life skills: A Family Affair
BY Loretta Gilmore LCSW
 
What is a dysfunctional family:
We can all argue that our family is/was dysfunctional to some degree but this article will focus on the dysfunction that creates maladaptive coping skills and causes suffering. First let’s examine what a functional family looks like. A functional family provides for its members the basic needs of life, like food and shelter. A functional family also provides safety to members of the family, creates an environment where everyone feels like they belong and are loved. It also creates an environment where each member’s self-esteem is fostered and opportunity for growth is available. Therefore, if we were raised in an environment where these things were not addressed, or not available then the stage is set for a dysfunctional family system. As a result, maladaptive life skills are learned and practiced during childhood and often continue into adulthood.
Dysfunctional family roles
As a member of a dysfunctional family system we often begin to prescribe to maladaptive roles in order to adapt to a situation in which we are often powerless. Those roles often include the scapegoat, the hero, the mascot or the lost child. The hero tends to be the person who makes the family proud. He/ She is a perfectionist, and a high achiever but struggles with an internal fear of failure that seems to drive their every external action, way into adulthood. The mascot provides the humor and a sense of fun in the family. The mascot grows up to be the life of the party, the person everyone wants to be around but they are also the person who is internally miserable. The mascot often struggles with depression and feels inadequate. The scapegoat takes the blame and is the center of negative attention inside and outside of the home due to behavioral related issues. These children grow up and often continue to struggle into adulthood. The scapegoat often feels misunderstood, angry and or sad. The lost child does not receive much of the family’s attention. They minimize their own needs and wants. They put others needs ahead of their own and attempt to stay out the way of adults. These children grow up being fixers and continue putting others needs before their own. They are insecure and passive. Often, they have difficulties making decisions and may suffer from anxiety and depression. Regardless of where you identify within these roles, it is likely you began practicing maladaptive life skills at an early age.
Maladaptive life skills:
Maladaptive life skills are those things we do, or the ways in which we think that create an outcome we desire but also create additional hardships. Think of a maladaptive life skill being much like prescription medication. While the medication helps control a symptom (outcome) they often result in undesired symptoms (outcomes). Or think of them as a double edge sword, every time you use the sword to deal with an issue you are effectively (perhaps) dealing with the issue but at the same time you are harming yourself to some degree. Maladaptive life skills are present for a reason, they serve a purpose, and that is why they are hard to let go of. However, if you are ready, follow the steps below and seek additional help with a trained professional in your area if needed.
STEPS:
1.Become curious about the self, asking yourself these questions;
What am I doing? Why am I doing that? What am I reacting to?  What is the core belief(s) attached to my reaction? Are these my own core beliefs or those that were encouraged or modeled for me during childhood? Are they working for me now?
2. How does this belief and or behavior protect and harm me or those close to me?
3. Am I ready to work on a more adaptive life skill?
4. Develop a plan of action
5. Anticipate barriers to success and create plan of action
6. Implement plan of action
7. Honestly and without judgment evaluate, what did you learn? Was it helpful? Where you disciplined and consistent?
8. Take what you learned and continue practicing, taking each mistake as a learning lesson instead of turning it into negative self-talk. Remember you did not develop a life skill without much practice, so too learning a new skill will require practice.
​

​How many times do you recall being encouraged to create an emotional safety plan, or even an emotional selfcare plan? Society, thus you and I, tend to focus on our physical safety and wellbeing more so than our emotional state of being. Unless of course our emotional state of being begins to adversely affect many parts of our lives or the lives of those around us. Things like feeling depressed, worthless and hopeless. Or feeling overwhelmed with uncontrollable worry and fear. We push those around us away sometimes deliberately and sometimes not. Which in turn only increases our negative internal dialog of self-defeating thoughts. To live in this state is exhausting at best.
What if I told you there is a better way, a way that requires a certain level of work on your part, but can decrease the intensity of those feelings and increase your quality of life? Would you be interested and willing to at least try? It is important to focus on three separate areas, daily living, additional life stressors, and the adjustment phase.
Daily Living
This area of emotional safety and wellbeing focuses on daily life with its normal stressors. This is the foundation of the emotional safety plan. It is important to develop and practice daily self-care. Basically, you need to be doing something good for yourself every day. This looks different for each person and should be tailored to your needs and desires. There are many different focal points of self-care but for this article we are going to focus on emotional self-care. To begin, ask yourself these questions; What do you like, in general, broadly and specifically? What are you interested in? What gives you great energy, or makes you feel excited? What helps you feel calm, centered and peaceful? What are you grateful for today? As you ask yourself these questions think in terms of activities that might bring an increased sense of happiness, and overall emotional wellbeing. Making sure to include things that involve others and things that can be done in solitude that will cause internal reflection, like journaling, drawling and crafting, as examples. It is important to have a mixture of external and internal sources of emotional self-care that way we find our personal balance and increase emotional stabilization. Remembering that this will look different for each person.
Additional life stressors
This section will focus on life’s curve balls, if you will. Those additional stressors that present themselves often without our permission, like monetary loss or need, physical illness, extra. Usually the first thing to go in these situation is our selfcare. However, decreasing, or disengaging from your self-care plan increases the likability of emotional disequilibrium. I often tell people, self-included; the level of selfcare must match or exceed that which we give out, or that which is required for our daily living. The most important thing for us to do in these situations is to increase our self-care. This feels counterproductive at first. You might not feel like you have the time to take care of yourself but this is preciously the time to do so. Things like increasing your interactions with your social support system. Call a friend to vent. Go to a social function or outing. Volunteer at your local church or community service agency. Helping others often increases our sense of belonging and accomplishment and helps get us out of our thoughts. Find ways to express yourself, for some this will be talking to friends, for others it will be a more private endeavor like journaling. Regardless of how, you need to express yourself. Emotions that get stuck in the body manifest not only in additional emotional issues but in physical health related issues as well.  Increasing movement is another wonderful way to discharge emotional energy. Things like dancing, exercising, running, walking, and or boxing. In other words, when an additional stressor is introduced it will require more of your emotional resources, therefore you will need to increase your selfcare, thus creating a balance.
Adjustment Phase
At this point the additional life stressors have either resolved themselves completely and / or have altered life as we knew it and we must adjust accordingly. This is a time of self-reflection, radical acceptance, and reevaluation. First, we must take inventory of the self, both internally and externally. Then determine how or what has changed. This must be done in a nonjudgmental way, which is where the radical acceptance part comes in. It is imperative to radically accept the change. This does not mean you agree with the outcomes, or that you do not work towards a goal. It is simply saying, it is what it is, I will change what I can and move forward. Then go back to your selfcare plan, is there a need to change anything? Do you need to add ways to care for yourself, or take things away that are no longer possible or fulfilling? As you begin to integrate these practices into your life, give yourself grace. Stay curious about yourself and the process. You are on your way to creating an emotional safety plan.

Life has a way of producing experiences that knock us down. Things do not always go the way we want them to go and sometimes those life events can be debilitating. These things happen to us all, at some point in our journey. But why do some people seemingly bounce back quickly while other do not? Is it genetics, or the way a person was raised? Is it a personality trait or a learned skill? Well this is a question that scientist, scholar and professional debate often and most would say it is a mixture of both. Today I would like to talk about resiliency. I believe this  skill is a good predictors of how a person will deal with life's adversities and is a good predictor of positive outcomes. Now , I do not mean positive in the sense that you get your way. No, positive in that you are able to turn a bad situation into growth.  I believe that this comes easier to some more than others, but regardless I believe the skills of resiliency can be learned. 
​Resiliency is the ability to seek and find something positive in every situation
​Resiliency is the ability to know and understand that the situation will produce a learning opportunity, and the resilient person will seek out the lesson.
​Resiliency is the ability to problem solve and the belief of your capabilities to do so.
Resiliency is knowing that even the mistakes have purpose in the bigger picture.
​Resiliency is the ability to feel your emotions without being overcome by emotion. 
Resiliency is knowing that , this too shall pass. An event does not dictate the whole.
​Resiliency is asking for help when you need it without internalizing negative scripts about the self.
​Life events can make it hard to practice being resilient, I know, I get it.  I am not saying it is easy. I am saying you can do it. You can change your outlook and reaction to adverse situations and bounce back more quickly. You got this!